Crazy days

So, I’ve let a few things slip and as a result, I find myself drowning a little in the experience of life. Nothing big–but when my diet, exercise, habits etc. get turned around and I forget to take my supplements, I tend to suddenly find myself in crazytown, certain of my worthlessness to friends and family and never able to accomplish anything again.

The fact that I just started my period does not help.

I think I’m on the way out, mind, so that’s good. Just gonna endeavor not to be alone for the next few days.

Crazy is a funny tjing, though. At least in my case, there are a few key elements that work kind of hilariously together.

One, knowing it’s happening robs it of a lot of its power. When you know that your perceptions, particularly if yourself, makes it pretty damn easy to substitute the perceptions of others. There are two unfortunate correlaries: first that it’s harder to tell that you shouldn’t trust the mental parade of self-negation than it really ought to be, and second that you need to choose your surroundings carefully once you’ve decided you shouldn’t be in charge.

Second is that crazy gets in the way of all the ridiculously simple things that help. Lying face-down on the mattress for hours, convinced that every possible action would just make things work… when putting on clothes and eating something made a gigantic difference once my husband came home and convinced me to.

Third, being out-of-sorts literally makes me worse at things, which aids the loathing spiral. Clumsiness is actually a really consistent early sign, as well as difficulty breaking even simple tasks into individual steps.

So, yeah. Sticking around a trusted loved one, to borrow their perceptions and take their advice on the right thing to do right now, works for me. I wish everyone had one.

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